netdud (netdud) wrote,

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Doesn't work. Please stop

  • Ads featuring many quick edits of many different people saying the same copy. I get that the concept is to show consensus of the idea across a diverse group. But dude, they are ALL shills, all fed the same lines. It's just annoying, and it makes people stop listening.

  • Testimonials by "average" people. "Look!" I am supposed to think "Those persons are EXACTLY LIKE ME!" But wait! I'm not an expert on this topic, and they obviously aren't either. So WTF am I listening to these slobs for? If I wanted to hear from an ignoramus, I'd read my own blog!

  • Running the same ad twice in a row, or twice in the same commercial break. I think the idea here is that people don't watch ads, so if you show them more, they will. Wait! That's stupid! How would that even work?

  • Documentation for a product that assumes that you already know what the product does, and what all the terms in the documentation mean. This is actually a subset of the term "Bad documentation" which is damn near becoming a superset of its own superset. Do you see what I mean? No? Then you should definitely buy it! Wait! That's stupid!

  • Product and feature descriptions which deftly give the impression that a product does something the average person would assume the product does, but which the product doesn't do. This practice trades on the fact that you are not lying if you don't actually answer a direct question. And if it didn't work, would millions of people try it?

    Yes. Yes they would. Now answer the actual question.

  • Telling people that they "deserve" frivolous and crappy things. Nobody "deserves" more fries, heated seats, unlimited refills or more legroom. People CHOOSE these things, and they pay for them. Anyone telling you that you "deserve" something more expensive or luxurious is trying to make you sell it to yourself.

  • Even worse: Telling people they "deserve" things that should be included as a matter of course. Saying people "deserve" good service, a return policy, value for money, or basic respect is like saying "Hey, we assume you're expecting us to treat you badly, and the fact that we don't is a FEATURE!" If you buy a horse, you should assume that the horseshit you're going to end up with is free.

  • Cell phones. Seriously. They are terrible. By this time, they really should work. More money should be spent on making them sound good, work well, easier to dial, easier to hold, and not drop out. It's cool that people want them to do non-phone things, but if they are going to be called "phones," they should do that better than anything else. So maybe stop calling them phones until that part works as well as a landline does. They can be PDAs or cameras with phones in them or whatever.

  • Texting. Still super fun for the kids, I get that. But it's such a ridiculously half-assed technology. It's like fax, or Zip drives--an idea that's on the way to being useful, and so compelling that people are willing to overlook the innate half-assedness of its current implementation. Something needs to replace this. Right now it's kind of like the two girls in your junior high math class who could speak pig Latin to each other so fast that no-one else could understand it. Super cute happy fun but ultimately, not worth the extra effort required unless you find it fun.

  • Anti-bacterial hand soap. Do some reading, and cut it out. This is the opposite of what we need. It's not even a matter of "Well, if it helps even a bit, it's worth using." A bad idea.

  • Reality shows with crying, damaged obese people.
  • Reality shows with crying, damaged famous people.
  • Reality shows with platitude-spouting mental defectives.
  • I think that covers all reality shows.

    Someone should start a channel that shows wings being pulled off flies, bags of kittens being thrown in rivers, and two guys with DTs going at each other wearing Socker Boppers 24 hours a day, interspersed with footage of babies laughing and clapping their hands with strings playing in the background and Girls Gone Wild commercials. This would basically be like crack for the reality show audience.

    Spam sez "Pardon my ignorance"
  • Tags: .5 over clever

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