How to Play the Bass--reprint
I wrote this a while back, in my blog for the late lamented Mint Pink.

I was just reminded about this because I was talking to someone about bass lessons. Because I give bass lessons. I give guitar lessons too. Please speak to a representative about our competitive rates.

I thought I'd rescue this and re-purpose it here, as the old site is getting over-run with comment-spammers


I thought that, as a service to other people in retail sales, I would take a few moments to explain how to play bass in a rock band. This post will be long, probably about two or three pages, but please bear with me, and keep in mind that this is a comprehensive article covering everything that you will need to know to play competitively in your local community league and beyond. With a bit more application, practice and fellatio, you may be able to compete on the bass at a semi-pro level. For the truly dedicated and fortunate, bass playing can eventually lead to a really exciting bankruptcy or divorce--or both!

Note that there will be some technical terms used in this article such as "note" and "scale." I recommend that you Google these terms, or at least intend to, in order to get the most out of this information. While a longer and less common term, I am confident that the reader did not have to research the term "fellatio" in the previous paragraph. That's OK--it's just in this article to get a better Google ranking anyway.

In order to keep them as close together as possible, notes are sold in "scales." Like every other musical instrument, the objective of the bass is to play all the notes in the scales, and then mention it. More accurately, it is to complete playing all the notes in your scales before anyone else in the band, and then mention it.

Drums, to clarify, are not technically "musical" instruments, but rather "percussion" instruments. This means that they are struck more or less rhythmically, and require assistance to move. The objective of "percussion" instruments is similar in many ways to real instruments, in that it requires the user to strike every possible surface--if not predictably, then at least with sticks. Percussion instruments also require the user to make a face that looks like he is trying to crap out of both ends of his body.

As anyone who plays bass has heard from anyone who plays anything else, the job of the bass is to play the "root" note. The term "root" comes from the Sanskrit for "a note that does not force anyone to know what key they are in."

Luckily, a scale is just like, a collection of roots. This means that you just need one scale for each string of the bass, but they have to be ones with all 12 frets in them. Those are called "bass scales."

There are also "guitar scales" 3/4 of which you have to use if you go up past the fret with the two things in it. Remember that, as a bass player, you have to play stuff in the bass scales for at least a bar or two first, in order to establish a "groove."

There are five guitar scales:
- The blues scale, which is always used.
- The minor scale, which is like the blues scale except you use your third finger twice sometimes
- The major scale (AKA "the blues scale only start on the second note you use your third finger for"), which is used to try out basses in stores, and when you have to pretend to walk or play reggae
- The "diminished" scale, which is used to refer to any scale that isn't one of the other three EXCEPT
- The Ritchie Blackmore "Snake Charmer scale" that he learned because he is like, really into Eastern stuff, and he taught Lita Ford one time and it really influenced Yngwie Malmsteen. No-one else is allowed to know or use this scale, because it's a secret one, and apparently does irreparable damage to your ability to play rhythm guitar.

You should warn people that you are about to play in the guitar scales by biting on your lower lip and puffing out your cheeks, manipulating every control on your bass (and amp, if you have time) and by tilting the bass up so the neck is vertical. This lets people know that it's safe to talk for a while, or head to the bar for a refill.

Also, make sure you play the last bar of the "groove" a little bit faster before you play the guitar scales, so that you have more time to spend adjusting things.

Of course, at the end of the song, you can--and should--always play up in the guitar scales as fast as you can. You can tell it's time to do that when the drummer is hitting cymbals with both hands and making that face like he's crapping out both ends of his body.

Now that you know how to play bass, all you need to do is find a band. The easiest way for bassists to find bands is:
- Have a brother/sister/girlfriend/boyfriend who plays guitar and sings
- Be a guitar player in a band that gets another guitar player who is better at guitar scales than you
- Find a band that needs their web site done

NEXT UP: Gear--Why the stuff someone else hasn't tried is better than what you have now